When people say they are scared of the dark, dark nights
Frankly I am a little surprised!
Shouldn't it be the days that scare us?
Days during which you pretend to be someone else
Smiling through pain, carrying on polite conversations
When all you really want to do is scream.
How are you, he asks.
I am fine , you say.
How's the job going, she queries.
Simply great, you grin.
How are you feeling today, they want to know.
Just as happy as I was yesterday, you have the answer ready.
The day demands you conform to rules
Society has set them
Follow them if you want to be a part of the circus
Defy if you dare and be an outcast
If grief tears at your heart
If you feel your insides sliced by razors
'There, there...now stop crying' they will say
If anger threatens to take over your senses
Breathe easy and count upto 10 or maybe 1000
If you are happy, remember your manners and don't laugh too loud
On days that you feel its not worth climbing out of bed
Get ready and face the world for it is expected of you
On days that you feel too happy to be trapped
Concentrate and ensure you complete that task in hand
Oh yes, its the days that I am scared of!
When night falls
You can take off that mask
Stay in bed if you want to
Or roam at the risk of being called weird
Stare at the ceiling for all its worth
Or observe the empty roads while the world sleeps
The sudden noise of a lone car might shatter your illusion that you are alone
But once the noise subsides, you can go back to your imagination
And finally be at peace
Till sleep claims you
And drags you into the world of nightmares or dreams
Depending on where your mind chooses to wander, free at last!
It is no wonder that I chose to write this at 2:15 am
Headphones in place, camouflaging a make believe world with music
But tomorrow is another day
Maybe good maybe not so good, who knows?
But I am prepared
I have a secret hiding place
If it gets too much to bear, I will run away and hide
Crouch and lie low till the day passes
And night falls
Releasing me from the clutches of the real world
Then I will step out gingerly
Stretch and spread my wings
Happy to be free
Someday I hope my senses will wake up before my intellect does
And allow me to see the world without pretensions
But till that day, on most days I will hide
In that secret place inside my mind
And wait for the night!
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
Ohhh Calcutta
It's official - I am calcuttan once again or should it be a Kolkata-ite? Needless to say the transition from being a Delhiite to a Calcuttan (I'll go with this for now) isn't an easy task, but then who says life is easy? It took me two weeks to realise that I now stay in Kolkata. For those two weeks I was living out of my suitcase - mentally still stuck in the holiday mode. Then Ma-in-law pointed out, "ebar kapor gulo almarih tey rakh.....ekhon toh kolkatatei thakbi" (put your clothes in the cupboard now that you will stay in kolkata).
It's been a month. But each night I go to bed wondering why do I feel like an outsider in my own city? I mean , I was born and brought up in this city for godsake! Attended school and college here. And then I left.
Now after a decade I have returned home ...armed with a bagful of memories. But reality has changed. I do not recognise this city or her people anymore. I look at her with the awe reserved only for outsiders. I see, I observe and I register...renewing acquaintance with my birthplace.
I have always been fascinated by people. One of my favourite pass time is to observe people and make intuitive guesses about them - what kind of a person is he/she, what kind of work do they do, how is their life, how are they feeling at that exact moment, what is their relationship with the person with whom they are chatting over a cup of coffee, etc etc etc. Until now this had been just a hobby. But ever since I have relocated to Calcutta, this has become a survival tool. I feel I have to understand the psyche of the city by getting to know her people. It's a desperate need to blend in, to belong once again. And for that I have to get a feel of the place by observing, talking and mingling with the faithful - those who never left.
But I have a confession to make. The separation of a decade has converted me - slowly but surely. Delhi has seeped into my cells and made a home in my heart. Delhi, with all its rudeness, its aggression, political highbrowness, indecent flaunting of exhorbitant wealth, is home. Delhi, with its maginificent wide roads, its historic monuments, its metropolitan culture and 'I-care-a -damn' attitude, is home. I now look at Calcutta with the eyes of a Delhiite and thus feel out of place. Some friends here comment that I am now a 'Dilliwali' - and though I would die before I admit it in front of them - I think that maybe the conversion has indeed happened. Like an authentic, spoiled 'NRB' (Non Resident Bengali equally snobbish and pseudo as the NRI) - I complain "Ufff the heat here is unbearable (conveniently forgetting the soaring temperature of a Delhi summer). People here sweat so much and they stink (As if north Indians have an in built fragrance generator to help them combat body odour). OMG what are these people wearing - didnt that go out of style like about 7 years back? (ya right - the Punjabi aunties in Delhi are the fashion icons of India). Everybody uses public transport here - and am I seriously expected to travel by a public bus - you must be outta your mind! In saddi Dilli everybody goes to the local market to buy vegetables in their spare family car (pollution, global warming, what?)" - Yes people - I am a Delhiite and proud to be one!
Now having said all of the above, I must also accept that I am not immune to Kolkata's charms. Waking up to the scents and sounds of the city is sheer bliss! Only here my mornings start with the rickshaw horn going 'pyan pyun' (cant spell it right), the sizzle of fish being released into hot oil in kadai (every bengali household has this utensil in various sizes) and yes, a baul or a minstrel (Mihir Pal - just had an early morning chat with him) singing devotional songs right under my bedroom window. Please note: for the princely sum of twenty rupees Mihir Pal obliged and sang requests too :-)
Among other things, Kolkata is also one of the cheapest metros in the country and you can easily stuff your face in any decent joint in the city and pay atleast half of what you would in Delhi. A foodaholic's paradise - the variety and flavours on offer here are simply unparalleled. You know you are a true Bong from Kolkata if you are intimately acquainted with these terms and it doesnt seem like I am talking gibberish: 'Chittoda's eshtew', 'Gol barir kosha mangsho', 'Paramount er shorbot', 'Anadi r moghlai', 'Ralli's er mixed chaat and kulfi', 'Oly pub er beef steak and world -famous- in- kolkata kashundi' etc etc etc. And words like Aliya,Rahmania, Shiraz, Arsalan are household names for you. I am sure any Bengali worth his fish can add atleast 50 more names to the list but I am restricted in my knowledge due to the handicap of a NRB status!
My vocabulary has also increased by leaps and bounds since my return to the city. Some words and expressions which I recently learned and re-learned include:
1. Enti r bari = Entire house/independent house (courtesy: brokers helping with our house hunt)
2. Bombay cutting er bari = House with a contemporary style, usually white in colour with border of a contrasting colour (courtesy: same as above)
3. Hostell = Horsetail aka Ponytail (courtesy: neighbourhood kakima/aunty)4. No poblem = No problem (this one was easy to comprehend wasnt it?)
5. Chanp achey = 'There's pressure' or 'this may be tough'
6. Mata (T pronounced as in tomato) = An idiot
7. Mairi bolchi = I swear I am telling the truth
8. Dhhop = A lie
9. Adda = Chatting with anybody about anything at any time of the day (also a national pass time for the average Bong)
10. Jol khabar = Snacks (supposedly light morning/evening snacks which may consist of puri & sabzi, kachauris, samosas/shingara etc.)
Please feel free to add to the list :-)
And last but not the least, Kolkata has ensured that I get reacquainted with Bangali kalture (culture) through the most common medium - Rabindra sangeet! So every Wednesday between 8:30 - 9:30 pm my hapless neighbours stuff cotton into their ears as I exercise my vocal chords under the guidance of my 'teacher' - a dear kakima (aunty) with the voice of an angel.
So far so good. But will I be able to live and work here and start my life afresh? I don't know. Will let you know as soon as I find out.
signing off for now. Goodnight.
It's been a month. But each night I go to bed wondering why do I feel like an outsider in my own city? I mean , I was born and brought up in this city for godsake! Attended school and college here. And then I left.
Now after a decade I have returned home ...armed with a bagful of memories. But reality has changed. I do not recognise this city or her people anymore. I look at her with the awe reserved only for outsiders. I see, I observe and I register...renewing acquaintance with my birthplace.
I have always been fascinated by people. One of my favourite pass time is to observe people and make intuitive guesses about them - what kind of a person is he/she, what kind of work do they do, how is their life, how are they feeling at that exact moment, what is their relationship with the person with whom they are chatting over a cup of coffee, etc etc etc. Until now this had been just a hobby. But ever since I have relocated to Calcutta, this has become a survival tool. I feel I have to understand the psyche of the city by getting to know her people. It's a desperate need to blend in, to belong once again. And for that I have to get a feel of the place by observing, talking and mingling with the faithful - those who never left.
But I have a confession to make. The separation of a decade has converted me - slowly but surely. Delhi has seeped into my cells and made a home in my heart. Delhi, with all its rudeness, its aggression, political highbrowness, indecent flaunting of exhorbitant wealth, is home. Delhi, with its maginificent wide roads, its historic monuments, its metropolitan culture and 'I-care-a -damn' attitude, is home. I now look at Calcutta with the eyes of a Delhiite and thus feel out of place. Some friends here comment that I am now a 'Dilliwali' - and though I would die before I admit it in front of them - I think that maybe the conversion has indeed happened. Like an authentic, spoiled 'NRB' (Non Resident Bengali equally snobbish and pseudo as the NRI) - I complain "Ufff the heat here is unbearable (conveniently forgetting the soaring temperature of a Delhi summer). People here sweat so much and they stink (As if north Indians have an in built fragrance generator to help them combat body odour). OMG what are these people wearing - didnt that go out of style like about 7 years back? (ya right - the Punjabi aunties in Delhi are the fashion icons of India). Everybody uses public transport here - and am I seriously expected to travel by a public bus - you must be outta your mind! In saddi Dilli everybody goes to the local market to buy vegetables in their spare family car (pollution, global warming, what?)" - Yes people - I am a Delhiite and proud to be one!
Now having said all of the above, I must also accept that I am not immune to Kolkata's charms. Waking up to the scents and sounds of the city is sheer bliss! Only here my mornings start with the rickshaw horn going 'pyan pyun' (cant spell it right), the sizzle of fish being released into hot oil in kadai (every bengali household has this utensil in various sizes) and yes, a baul or a minstrel (Mihir Pal - just had an early morning chat with him) singing devotional songs right under my bedroom window. Please note: for the princely sum of twenty rupees Mihir Pal obliged and sang requests too :-)
Among other things, Kolkata is also one of the cheapest metros in the country and you can easily stuff your face in any decent joint in the city and pay atleast half of what you would in Delhi. A foodaholic's paradise - the variety and flavours on offer here are simply unparalleled. You know you are a true Bong from Kolkata if you are intimately acquainted with these terms and it doesnt seem like I am talking gibberish: 'Chittoda's eshtew', 'Gol barir kosha mangsho', 'Paramount er shorbot', 'Anadi r moghlai', 'Ralli's er mixed chaat and kulfi', 'Oly pub er beef steak and world -famous- in- kolkata kashundi' etc etc etc. And words like Aliya,Rahmania, Shiraz, Arsalan are household names for you. I am sure any Bengali worth his fish can add atleast 50 more names to the list but I am restricted in my knowledge due to the handicap of a NRB status!
My vocabulary has also increased by leaps and bounds since my return to the city. Some words and expressions which I recently learned and re-learned include:
1. Enti r bari = Entire house/independent house (courtesy: brokers helping with our house hunt)
2. Bombay cutting er bari = House with a contemporary style, usually white in colour with border of a contrasting colour (courtesy: same as above)
3. Hostell = Horsetail aka Ponytail (courtesy: neighbourhood kakima/aunty)4. No poblem = No problem (this one was easy to comprehend wasnt it?)
5. Chanp achey = 'There's pressure' or 'this may be tough'
6. Mata (T pronounced as in tomato) = An idiot
7. Mairi bolchi = I swear I am telling the truth
8. Dhhop = A lie
9. Adda = Chatting with anybody about anything at any time of the day (also a national pass time for the average Bong)
10. Jol khabar = Snacks (supposedly light morning/evening snacks which may consist of puri & sabzi, kachauris, samosas/shingara etc.)
Please feel free to add to the list :-)
And last but not the least, Kolkata has ensured that I get reacquainted with Bangali kalture (culture) through the most common medium - Rabindra sangeet! So every Wednesday between 8:30 - 9:30 pm my hapless neighbours stuff cotton into their ears as I exercise my vocal chords under the guidance of my 'teacher' - a dear kakima (aunty) with the voice of an angel.
So far so good. But will I be able to live and work here and start my life afresh? I don't know. Will let you know as soon as I find out.
signing off for now. Goodnight.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Phoonk - supposedly a black magic story!!!
Ramu has done it again! Yes, he is back with yet another horror flick, but this time positioned as a 'black magic' story. I mean, why try extra hard to scare the audience? Simply stating that this movie has been made by 'Ram Gopal Varma' should be scary enough, especially after his disastrous attempts like 'Aag'...that was more like aaagghh!!! Well, before I lose track, let me come back to the point. So, where was I? Yes, Phoonk.
Now, this film is being being touted as one of the scariest Bollywood flicks in recent times and the director has even dared the masses to watch it alone. Also, like any other hindi movie, it is supposed to be 'zara hatkey' from the regular horror flicks, as it deals with 'black magic' and presumably superstitions. The trailer gives immense importance to a yellow lemon, which is commonly associated with black magic. Frankly, I have no clue about the association of a lemon and spells and would be obliged if someone could throw some light on this. However, the lemon has been depicted in numerous movies as the carrier of some black magic spells, to generate sufficient fear about it. In India, it is common to see many people tie a yellow lemon and some chillies outside their shops or even homes to ward off the evil eye. So if I list out some of the most feared objects as far as superstitions are concerned, then the yellow lemon would rank quite high, probably right next to the black cat.
Coming back to Phoonk. I have nothing against this film and since I had liked Mr. Varma's earlier venture 'Bhooth', I am looking forward to Phoonk as well. However, my only concern is that we Indians are a very superstitious lot and any action depicted in movies, if strongly portrayed, is bound to affect the psyche of the masses. So, my concern is actually for the poor lemon. Already feared as a carrier of evil, its reputation will be seriously damaged after this movie. If a cursed lemon can cause the intended target to behave like the protagonist of "Exorcist', which I am sure was a source of inspiration for Mr. Varma, then any blameless lemon lying on the road can also be misunderstood easily.
The trailer of Phoonk also shows a woman piercing a black doll with needles and this again is a common association with black magic. I, personally have a great respect for any art and magic, whether white or black, is a great art indeed. So, if our movies, which are intended for the masses, depict such actions, it is bound to create further misconceptions in the minds of the people watching it. In fact, subjects like astrology, tarot, hynotherapy, past life regressions, etc. are all misconstrued by the masses due to their projection in movies.
I believe in the intangible force, I believe in a proven science like astrology, I believe in negative and positive vibes and intuition and telepathy, I believe in past lives and karmic bondings and I believe there is evil because I believe in god. However, such beliefs are a personal opinion and shaped by consistent research on these matters. Most people, however, simply go by superstitions and I fear that such movies which process half baked ideas on these subjects will create further misunderstanding among the audience. Movies like Phoonk should be seen and enjoyed only for the entertainment value and not for forming ideas on subjects like black magic. Hope the audience just does that - enjoy and forget!
But before I end my rambling, I would like to state that all I have written about the movie is simply based on my perceptions drawn from the trailer and promos and previews. I might have a completely different story to tell once I have actually watched it! Also, I hope to find out the story behind the lemon before long so help me in my quest. Till then, awaiting the release of Phooooonk...
Now, this film is being being touted as one of the scariest Bollywood flicks in recent times and the director has even dared the masses to watch it alone. Also, like any other hindi movie, it is supposed to be 'zara hatkey' from the regular horror flicks, as it deals with 'black magic' and presumably superstitions. The trailer gives immense importance to a yellow lemon, which is commonly associated with black magic. Frankly, I have no clue about the association of a lemon and spells and would be obliged if someone could throw some light on this. However, the lemon has been depicted in numerous movies as the carrier of some black magic spells, to generate sufficient fear about it. In India, it is common to see many people tie a yellow lemon and some chillies outside their shops or even homes to ward off the evil eye. So if I list out some of the most feared objects as far as superstitions are concerned, then the yellow lemon would rank quite high, probably right next to the black cat.
Coming back to Phoonk. I have nothing against this film and since I had liked Mr. Varma's earlier venture 'Bhooth', I am looking forward to Phoonk as well. However, my only concern is that we Indians are a very superstitious lot and any action depicted in movies, if strongly portrayed, is bound to affect the psyche of the masses. So, my concern is actually for the poor lemon. Already feared as a carrier of evil, its reputation will be seriously damaged after this movie. If a cursed lemon can cause the intended target to behave like the protagonist of "Exorcist', which I am sure was a source of inspiration for Mr. Varma, then any blameless lemon lying on the road can also be misunderstood easily.
The trailer of Phoonk also shows a woman piercing a black doll with needles and this again is a common association with black magic. I, personally have a great respect for any art and magic, whether white or black, is a great art indeed. So, if our movies, which are intended for the masses, depict such actions, it is bound to create further misconceptions in the minds of the people watching it. In fact, subjects like astrology, tarot, hynotherapy, past life regressions, etc. are all misconstrued by the masses due to their projection in movies.
I believe in the intangible force, I believe in a proven science like astrology, I believe in negative and positive vibes and intuition and telepathy, I believe in past lives and karmic bondings and I believe there is evil because I believe in god. However, such beliefs are a personal opinion and shaped by consistent research on these matters. Most people, however, simply go by superstitions and I fear that such movies which process half baked ideas on these subjects will create further misunderstanding among the audience. Movies like Phoonk should be seen and enjoyed only for the entertainment value and not for forming ideas on subjects like black magic. Hope the audience just does that - enjoy and forget!
But before I end my rambling, I would like to state that all I have written about the movie is simply based on my perceptions drawn from the trailer and promos and previews. I might have a completely different story to tell once I have actually watched it! Also, I hope to find out the story behind the lemon before long so help me in my quest. Till then, awaiting the release of Phooooonk...
Saturday, May 24, 2008
When nothing seems right!
I am irritated and bordering on the verge of severe depression. Now you may ask,why. No issues, I would have told you anyways. Well, the problem lies in this year! Yes, the year 2008. I don't like it. In fact, I have not liked it since the very beginning of this year. Or no, maybe even earlier. Yes, I did not like this year from the ending of the previous year. There, that's better, now that I have accepted the truth. the truth is the fact that I already had a pre conceived notion about how the year would turn out to be and it seems as if the events taking place this year are only trying to re-affirm my faith that, this indeed is a bad year!
The worst of the lot till now has been the month of March and now May, or is it progressively getting worse? I dunno, am just too depressed to analyze it in a rational manner. I mean, everything that could possibly go wrong, is actually going wrong and more. And it is not just me who feels this way. Many people I know have also confirmed that nothing seems to be working out for them too. Office, family, love life, friendship, opportunities, blah blah blah, everything is one big mess! The situation is like an awful soup which your mother used to make when you were really ill and then you were forced to gulp it down. Yes, life is that awful right now.
Now, I have never been the most logical, rational, cool tempered person that you have met so far, oh no I do not fit the bill at all, but I have also never been this irritated, angry young woman as well. My mood swings are getting worse by the day. Rational thought has taken a complete backseat while irrational fears grip my heart. Each morning I wake up thinking, now what can possibly go wrong today? And that is not how I want to start each day.
So, I have given this situation of progressively deteriorating year some serious thought. Ok, so the year has not been too good so far, ahem, that was an understatement! Also, the astrological combinations in my chart are not at their most favorable positions. Besides, the planets have also decided to act loony and change their positions and turn all plans upside down! Everyone around me seems to be having fits, as they are either angry, sad, depressed or plain and simple crazy. But......but is the situation really so bad?
A sneaky suspicion creeps into my mind as I take a bird's eye view of the situation. Is it possible that nature is conspiring to give us exactly what we are anticipating? I mean, is it our negative thoughts and vibes that are affecting the environment around us and our life in general? Think carefully. Has it never happened to you that when you are desperately thinking of someone, that person calls? How do explain these incidents. Well, I have my own explanation. I think it might be our vibes and the power of thoughts that influence our life. If I think something bad will happen, it actually does. On the contrary, if I expect things to change for the better, who knows, it just might!
So, now that I think about it, I have indeed been very negative about this year right from the beginning and hence the year is treating me in this manner. Maybe, its just time to change my attitude towards life and give life a chance to change for the better? The wheel is turning. Is it now my turn to be on the top? Who knows, meanwhile let me just start thinking positively about the rest of the year and maybe then 2008 will return the favor!
The worst of the lot till now has been the month of March and now May, or is it progressively getting worse? I dunno, am just too depressed to analyze it in a rational manner. I mean, everything that could possibly go wrong, is actually going wrong and more. And it is not just me who feels this way. Many people I know have also confirmed that nothing seems to be working out for them too. Office, family, love life, friendship, opportunities, blah blah blah, everything is one big mess! The situation is like an awful soup which your mother used to make when you were really ill and then you were forced to gulp it down. Yes, life is that awful right now.
Now, I have never been the most logical, rational, cool tempered person that you have met so far, oh no I do not fit the bill at all, but I have also never been this irritated, angry young woman as well. My mood swings are getting worse by the day. Rational thought has taken a complete backseat while irrational fears grip my heart. Each morning I wake up thinking, now what can possibly go wrong today? And that is not how I want to start each day.
So, I have given this situation of progressively deteriorating year some serious thought. Ok, so the year has not been too good so far, ahem, that was an understatement! Also, the astrological combinations in my chart are not at their most favorable positions. Besides, the planets have also decided to act loony and change their positions and turn all plans upside down! Everyone around me seems to be having fits, as they are either angry, sad, depressed or plain and simple crazy. But......but is the situation really so bad?
A sneaky suspicion creeps into my mind as I take a bird's eye view of the situation. Is it possible that nature is conspiring to give us exactly what we are anticipating? I mean, is it our negative thoughts and vibes that are affecting the environment around us and our life in general? Think carefully. Has it never happened to you that when you are desperately thinking of someone, that person calls? How do explain these incidents. Well, I have my own explanation. I think it might be our vibes and the power of thoughts that influence our life. If I think something bad will happen, it actually does. On the contrary, if I expect things to change for the better, who knows, it just might!
So, now that I think about it, I have indeed been very negative about this year right from the beginning and hence the year is treating me in this manner. Maybe, its just time to change my attitude towards life and give life a chance to change for the better? The wheel is turning. Is it now my turn to be on the top? Who knows, meanwhile let me just start thinking positively about the rest of the year and maybe then 2008 will return the favor!
Monday, March 31, 2008
Many shades of life!
Am back in office after a gap of 11 days. No, I was not on any vacation, although my leaves will be shown under the category of 'annual leaves" that people usually take for a vacation or a quick visit home. the reason for my absence was a catastrophe at home. When I review the events that took place in the past few days of my life, there is a sense of disbelief, even though I had actually lived through each moment myself. It all started on a Thursday morning, 5 :15 am to be precise.
My friend Ayesha and I were fast asleep on the morning of 20th March 2008, trying to grab the last few hours of beauty sleep before the alarm woke us up for office. At around 5:15 am, I had a frantic knocking at my door. In my sleep infused state, I realized it was my housekeeper's wife, banging at the door, mumbling something about her husband Amrit. That woke me up completely. Amrit had been suffering from fever since the last 2-3 days and had taken normal medication and I assumed he had also gone to a doctor, since I had absolutely insisted on it.
When I opened the door, Kamla was standing there, looking very worried. She informed us that Amrit's fever had escalated during the night and she was scared. One look at Amrit told me, she had good reason to be scared. The normal young guy I had seen just last night seemed to have disappeared behind a facade of red eyes and an obviously sick person who is suffering from high fever. As my husband was out of town, I found myself desperately trying to arrange for some mode of transportation to the nearest hospital. The cab driver whose number I had was not responding to my frantic calls. Next i tried even an auto driver's number which i had stored for emergencies (Thank God).
Finally the auto driver responded and arrived at our place at 6:15 am. Ayesha, Amrit, his wife and their 2 n 1/2 year old kid all left for the hospital, while i had to wait helplessly at home, because I had to watch over my 4 dogs. At that time, while I was just sitting at home, waiting for regular update from the hospital every 15 mins to 1/2 n hour, I did not realize that this was just the beginning of a nightmare.
Amrit was immediately admitted to the emergency ward, where doctors gave him some injections, medicines and saline drip. he was then shifted to the general ward. Ayesha assured me, everything was under control for the time being as doctors were looking after him. She left for office directly from the hospital while Kamla stayed back to cater to her husband's needs. I was stuck at home and still in suspense about his condition. Soon, some of his cousins arrived and by the next day some other people from his village too, who were all working in various parts of Delhi. I took turns to visit the hospital with my brother and tried to decipher what exactly had happened after speaking to the various doctors.
Things just started getting complicated from then onwards. He was shifted to a different hospital by his relatives and friends and for a strange reason they would not inform us of his whereabouts. Frantic calls to various hospitals, relatives of Amrit and his firneds finally allowed us to relocate him. It was total mayhem. Kamla and the kid were in the thick of things with me watching helplessly from the sidelines. My husband took a break from his work and came back in the middle of a project, as he and Amrit had always shared a special bond.
Well, to cut a long, long story short - Amrit died on Tuesday, the 25th March 2008. Yes, he died, of a severe attack of meningitis, which the doctors had taken a long time to diagnose and hence treat. We were in a complete state of disbelief although we had got the warning that it might happen since Sunday night, as his condition kept deteriorating each day.
Now, its been 6 days since Amrit is no more with us. His wife and kid have returned to their native village for the Hindu rituals to be followed after a death. She was absolutely sure that she will return to us, to that home where she and her kid will find comfort and security, the home where her husband was last seen in the form in which she wanted to remember him always.
We have found a replacement for the time being. My husband has gone back to work. And life goes on. But it is not the same. In theory, we have just lost a housekeeper, but the vacuum that has been created - that I cannot put down in words. Everything and everyone in our house has been touched and tinged forever with his memory. even now we have not completely accepted that Amrit will not respond when we call out his name. I find it strange not to see his cycle standing in our backyard. I find it strange that there is no Nepali song being sung in his toneless voice as he goes about his work. I find it strange that he is simply not there!!!
Strange are the many shades of life in which every person leaves their prints behind in a riot of colors. maybe we can cope better with the loss of this human being that we had cherished, scolded and loved in our own ways. only when Kamla returns to us with their son. Eagerly waiting for her return, if nothing less then just to see a little bit of Amrit kept alive through his little boy!!!
My friend Ayesha and I were fast asleep on the morning of 20th March 2008, trying to grab the last few hours of beauty sleep before the alarm woke us up for office. At around 5:15 am, I had a frantic knocking at my door. In my sleep infused state, I realized it was my housekeeper's wife, banging at the door, mumbling something about her husband Amrit. That woke me up completely. Amrit had been suffering from fever since the last 2-3 days and had taken normal medication and I assumed he had also gone to a doctor, since I had absolutely insisted on it.
When I opened the door, Kamla was standing there, looking very worried. She informed us that Amrit's fever had escalated during the night and she was scared. One look at Amrit told me, she had good reason to be scared. The normal young guy I had seen just last night seemed to have disappeared behind a facade of red eyes and an obviously sick person who is suffering from high fever. As my husband was out of town, I found myself desperately trying to arrange for some mode of transportation to the nearest hospital. The cab driver whose number I had was not responding to my frantic calls. Next i tried even an auto driver's number which i had stored for emergencies (Thank God).
Finally the auto driver responded and arrived at our place at 6:15 am. Ayesha, Amrit, his wife and their 2 n 1/2 year old kid all left for the hospital, while i had to wait helplessly at home, because I had to watch over my 4 dogs. At that time, while I was just sitting at home, waiting for regular update from the hospital every 15 mins to 1/2 n hour, I did not realize that this was just the beginning of a nightmare.
Amrit was immediately admitted to the emergency ward, where doctors gave him some injections, medicines and saline drip. he was then shifted to the general ward. Ayesha assured me, everything was under control for the time being as doctors were looking after him. She left for office directly from the hospital while Kamla stayed back to cater to her husband's needs. I was stuck at home and still in suspense about his condition. Soon, some of his cousins arrived and by the next day some other people from his village too, who were all working in various parts of Delhi. I took turns to visit the hospital with my brother and tried to decipher what exactly had happened after speaking to the various doctors.
Things just started getting complicated from then onwards. He was shifted to a different hospital by his relatives and friends and for a strange reason they would not inform us of his whereabouts. Frantic calls to various hospitals, relatives of Amrit and his firneds finally allowed us to relocate him. It was total mayhem. Kamla and the kid were in the thick of things with me watching helplessly from the sidelines. My husband took a break from his work and came back in the middle of a project, as he and Amrit had always shared a special bond.
Well, to cut a long, long story short - Amrit died on Tuesday, the 25th March 2008. Yes, he died, of a severe attack of meningitis, which the doctors had taken a long time to diagnose and hence treat. We were in a complete state of disbelief although we had got the warning that it might happen since Sunday night, as his condition kept deteriorating each day.
Now, its been 6 days since Amrit is no more with us. His wife and kid have returned to their native village for the Hindu rituals to be followed after a death. She was absolutely sure that she will return to us, to that home where she and her kid will find comfort and security, the home where her husband was last seen in the form in which she wanted to remember him always.
We have found a replacement for the time being. My husband has gone back to work. And life goes on. But it is not the same. In theory, we have just lost a housekeeper, but the vacuum that has been created - that I cannot put down in words. Everything and everyone in our house has been touched and tinged forever with his memory. even now we have not completely accepted that Amrit will not respond when we call out his name. I find it strange not to see his cycle standing in our backyard. I find it strange that there is no Nepali song being sung in his toneless voice as he goes about his work. I find it strange that he is simply not there!!!
Strange are the many shades of life in which every person leaves their prints behind in a riot of colors. maybe we can cope better with the loss of this human being that we had cherished, scolded and loved in our own ways. only when Kamla returns to us with their son. Eagerly waiting for her return, if nothing less then just to see a little bit of Amrit kept alive through his little boy!!!
Monday, February 11, 2008
soulmates...
Love at first sight...being comfortable with a person even if you have met that person for the first time...finding a friend who completes your sentences...what do you call all these incidents?
All of us have come across someone or the other and often more than one person, whom we seem to have known forever. It usually happens between companions who have the perfect tuning. Or even people who have been friends for long. At times it may so happen that you did not actively keep in touch with a friend by making regular calls or meeting up as often as you would have liked. But suppose you talk to that friend after a long gap or better still, you happen to meet up, even after a gap of years, you can quite easily start from wherever you had left off. It makes you feel as if your souls had been connected all along, at a level much beyond the physical.
Often you may have noticed that certain people crop up in your life whenever a particular kind of incident happens. For instance, you may keep getting back in touch with a friend when you need someone to talk to during a difficult time in your life. That friend appears in your life (even if you have not been in touch for years) - the friend lends you a shoulder to cry on, gives helpful advice and once the situation has been resolved, you lose touch again, seemingly in a completely explainable manner...but is it? the surprising coincidence is when that friend makes a re-appearance again - once more, when you are having a bad time!!! It may also be possible that YOU are that friend in someone's life.
Some relationships happen only to teach you a valuable lesson and once that lesson is learned, the relationship ends. that explains why you get so affected by a person who fleetingly appears in your life only to disappear in a similar manner. But some connections are for a lifetime which are sustained in spite of the odds against it. People in such relationships are soulmates in the true sense.
Soulmates have always existed in our circle - in every birth that we have taken our soulmates have been with us in some form or the other. A mother could have been a child whereas a husband could have been a sibling. Take a look around and see the people who matter to you. I mean really SEE them. Analyze the relationship that you have with them. Are you playing the mother to a friend? Is your husband filling in the gap of a father? Once you have really seen your relationships closely you will recognize your soulmate/soulmates! it will not only help you know them better but perhaps also help you understand each and every person's action and reaction and importance in your life. So long, till then - happy searching!
All of us have come across someone or the other and often more than one person, whom we seem to have known forever. It usually happens between companions who have the perfect tuning. Or even people who have been friends for long. At times it may so happen that you did not actively keep in touch with a friend by making regular calls or meeting up as often as you would have liked. But suppose you talk to that friend after a long gap or better still, you happen to meet up, even after a gap of years, you can quite easily start from wherever you had left off. It makes you feel as if your souls had been connected all along, at a level much beyond the physical.
Often you may have noticed that certain people crop up in your life whenever a particular kind of incident happens. For instance, you may keep getting back in touch with a friend when you need someone to talk to during a difficult time in your life. That friend appears in your life (even if you have not been in touch for years) - the friend lends you a shoulder to cry on, gives helpful advice and once the situation has been resolved, you lose touch again, seemingly in a completely explainable manner...but is it? the surprising coincidence is when that friend makes a re-appearance again - once more, when you are having a bad time!!! It may also be possible that YOU are that friend in someone's life.
Some relationships happen only to teach you a valuable lesson and once that lesson is learned, the relationship ends. that explains why you get so affected by a person who fleetingly appears in your life only to disappear in a similar manner. But some connections are for a lifetime which are sustained in spite of the odds against it. People in such relationships are soulmates in the true sense.
Soulmates have always existed in our circle - in every birth that we have taken our soulmates have been with us in some form or the other. A mother could have been a child whereas a husband could have been a sibling. Take a look around and see the people who matter to you. I mean really SEE them. Analyze the relationship that you have with them. Are you playing the mother to a friend? Is your husband filling in the gap of a father? Once you have really seen your relationships closely you will recognize your soulmate/soulmates! it will not only help you know them better but perhaps also help you understand each and every person's action and reaction and importance in your life. So long, till then - happy searching!
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
anger management!!!
Take a deep breath...inhale...exhale....inhale....exhale.....
No no I have not changed my profession to become a yoga teacher but I wish I could. change my profession and enter an industry that is free from inter personal clashes, ego wars and of course nasty politics. it would be a wonderful and idealistic situation if people started to get what they deserve but alas this is a rare occurrence indeed. like for example, salary hikes. do you think people really get what they deserve? nahhhhh....haven't you seen totally undeserving people get salaries which in no ways is justified by their contribution to the organization. N yet some people prefer to remain quiet and accept whatever comes their way. Well, I think it is all about portraying an image that 'boss, i am working a lot'.
The people who gain the most out of such situations are the ones who 'look busy do nothing'. then I wonder why am I finding it so difficult to just adapt to this scenario and go with the flow? I think perhaps I need to revamp my thoughts and my approach to work. whether i do a lot or not it should at least be 'projected' as a major contribution otherwise I shall fall far behind in the rat race.
but then again a question comes to my mind. even if i do manage to win the race i would still be a rat wouldnt I? Do i really want to exist that way? I don't think so. So what should people like me do? Protest whenever you can or just shut your trap and do nothing about it? I really don't know....but sure hope to find a way out and prove myself not to outsiders but to myself!
So with this positive frame of mind (forced),its goodbye for now:-)
No no I have not changed my profession to become a yoga teacher but I wish I could. change my profession and enter an industry that is free from inter personal clashes, ego wars and of course nasty politics. it would be a wonderful and idealistic situation if people started to get what they deserve but alas this is a rare occurrence indeed. like for example, salary hikes. do you think people really get what they deserve? nahhhhh....haven't you seen totally undeserving people get salaries which in no ways is justified by their contribution to the organization. N yet some people prefer to remain quiet and accept whatever comes their way. Well, I think it is all about portraying an image that 'boss, i am working a lot'.
The people who gain the most out of such situations are the ones who 'look busy do nothing'. then I wonder why am I finding it so difficult to just adapt to this scenario and go with the flow? I think perhaps I need to revamp my thoughts and my approach to work. whether i do a lot or not it should at least be 'projected' as a major contribution otherwise I shall fall far behind in the rat race.
but then again a question comes to my mind. even if i do manage to win the race i would still be a rat wouldnt I? Do i really want to exist that way? I don't think so. So what should people like me do? Protest whenever you can or just shut your trap and do nothing about it? I really don't know....but sure hope to find a way out and prove myself not to outsiders but to myself!
So with this positive frame of mind (forced),its goodbye for now:-)
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